I just caught a headline about Princeton Alum Susan Patton’s advice on marriage. The article drew a lot of fire but I suspect her intent may have been lost in the crossfire. I am not Susan – I don’t know her intent, but one thing I know is good advice…
…it will frustrate you to be with a man who just isn’t as smart as you.”
This is solid advice – but lacks an explanation of what it means to be as smart as you. There are too many measures of intelligence, including experience. Also, intelligence covers a variety of subjects, including religion, which means it’s not just about marrying or dating a guy as smart as you, but more about being with someone who is compatible.
I have heard from numeous people that being with someone in the same industry helps their relationship. Who would better understand you than someone who knows, from the inside, what you do and why you do it? For instance, two doctors would understand the demands of the profession, the politics involved, and would be in a position to do more than just listen…they could offer advice on how to deal with challenges.
When I was in my mid-20s I began to get pressure from various family members about being single with no children. Especially as my younger female cousins were mostly married with children and my younger brother had also gone this path.
“When are you going to quit playing career woman and marry so a man can take care of you?” my paternal grandmother asked me.
I calmly explained that I had worked hard on my career and I wasn’t playing at anything. I also told her I would never let some man take care of me and that I intended to work long after I did marry – if I ever did – which I wasn’t certain I wanted anyway.
As if I hadn’t even spoken, she looked over at my grandfather who was hiding behind the Wall Street Journal and asked, “Can’t you fix her up with someone at the company (ANR)? There are bound to be smart guys there.”
She then turned to me and said, ‘You might want to start acting dumb. You know, men don’t want to marry a woman who is smarter than they are.” My grandfather began clearing his throat repeatedly while he loudly flipped pages of the journal.
I replied, “But I’m not dumb and if I pretened to be in order to trap some poor guy he would soon find out and then he’d know he’d been lied to. Not a good way to start a relationship…built on a lie.”
From my vantage point I could see my grandfather smirking behind the paper.
My grandmother, totally exasperated with me, began to prognosticate that if I didn’t act soon, I’d be an old maid and no one would ever want to marry an old maid. I smiled and told her I wasn’t worried.
I had no reason to be. I got married well past the average age – to the perfect guy for me, which, among other things meant being intelligent, experienced, and similar, though not identical philosophies. I didn’t want a puppet, a wanted a friend and companion…
At a family picnic not long after, I had an uncle ask when I was going to get married so I could have kids. I replied, “They aren’t mutually exclusive. If I want a kid, I’d have one. You don’t need a husband for that.”
Oh, what an uproar! There were impressionable females around – like his wife … I just rolled my eyes and added “What makes you think I want kids or marriage? I’m pretty happy with my life right now and I do travel quite a bit for my job. Not conducive to a healthy relationship.”
His wife came to my rescue by saying she understood where I was coming from which resulted in more bluster from my uncle. I went to find a pinochle game with people who wouldn’t nag at me.
It wasn’t just family, either. A friend I hadn’t seen since high school asked me to lunch. She was engaged and proceeded to state “I don’t plan on being a working wife, you know.”
I replied, “And I don’t plan on being a kept one. I have earned a lot of respect in my career and I don’t plan to marry and quit and have babies.”
This seemed to upset a few of my male coworkers too, who looked at me in horror and said, “You don’t want to quit and have kids? Why the hell not?”
I had one sales guy ask, “Does your boyfriend know this?”
I said, “Of course!”
That boyfriend, who is now my husband, understood from day one how I felt. On our first date I told him “I’m not June Cleaver and I will never be one. If you want June Cleaver, I suggest you keep looking and we just remain friends.” Obviously, he didn’t want June Cleaver…
I have dated guys who didn’t have common interests and who couldn’t understand where I was comig from. When they couldn’t bring me to their way of thinking? They got nasty and began putting me down for who I was … accusing me of being an intellectual snob.
It never feels good to be put down, so I reiterate my support for Susan’s advice. Pair up with someone compatible in as many ways possible – including intelligence.
A lot less frustration and/or mental and emotional abuse…
Post script: I wouldn’t recommend finding a spouse in college – not even grad school. You are both still growing as people and finding yourselves as individuals. That can come back to bite you if you marry – then change – or your spouse does. A colleague told me the one solid piece of advice she would give people is not to marry in college – she credits her divorce to that mistake.
Filed under: Holistic Living
